life is like music if you get really stoned and think about it

i write to mirror stuff out and ask, do you see this too

and at first that felt so all consuming, that desire to know what i felt and saw was real

as I have put writing out and people have responded to what i say, that desire has become less about dialogue and mirroring and more about shaping pre-lingusitic sensation and feeling into some sort of legible form; the same core is still there though writing helps me make sense of larger feelings, makes them smaller

 writing always feels less in the moment for me than music though

less of a thing that comes out of me and more of a thing i construct

which i like, i like the two aspects of each medium

but i've been sitting here, probably too stoned

staring at the wall and having that big interconnected feeling about it all

 

there was a pretty girl earlier and we had a nice interaction, nothing serious

but i was thinking of all the cues subtle/overt/otherwise that make up a conversation

and it felt like thinking about how i play music

which is so corny i'm so sorry

but i'm sure you can see the parallel the way you maybe emphasize a note less because you're tired, the way your eyes don't quite meet someone else the same way when you're tired

we think of everything as so controlled

i choose what to say

what to think what to do

in a conversation especially

but there's so much beyond the overt, and language often flattens it. I think music draws our attention to this through pre-linguistic formations of sound.... notes and such, like they're like words but a little more abstract, able to communicate the larger scale of some of these glacial thoughts

if writing lets me see these thoughts and feelings, give them shape, music lets me inhabit them

playing guitar drives thought from my head the same way running does when i'm playing intensely

you pour yourself so wholly into everything you do whether you like to or not

there's no singular vessel for "you" etc

and this has been something i've been trying to remind myself of

like sure we experience things as ourselves

as a distinct unit

but the actions and things we do are part of a larger composition and that larger composition could be whatever you know a beautiful symphony, or a pit of wallowing souls, whatever you see it as, but we're pouring ourselves into it whether we like it or not

in conclusion,